Friday, August 11, 2006
FW: Gina Ford - WLTM Tall Dark Handsome Stranger?
Our spies tell us she is looking to bag herself a beau and elope with one of the corporate elite and make sweet, sweet guru love with them and bring a flock of Baby G's into this world. So I've drawn up a shortlist of suitable suitors for whom Gina might make a suitable love cauldron for, it's not comprehensive so if you have any other candidates by all means send 'em in...
BARCLAYCARD MAESTRO
October 2003 - Speaking at the Treasury Select Committee of the House of Commons and if that wasn't a grand enough audience it was broadcast live on television, Barclays Bank Chief Executive Matt Barrett candidly declared
"I do not borrow on credit cards. I have four young children. I give them advice not to pile up debts on their credit cards."
Maybe you need to work on him a little Gina but he owns a Bank and gets to talk to the nation live, think about that!
RATNERS RANT
1991 - Speaking to a conference of the Institute of Directors Retail Jewellery boss Gerald Ratner attempted a humorous approach to his speech.
"(Ratners) sold a pair of earrings for under a pound, which is cheaper than a prawn sandwich from Marks and Spencers, but probably wouldn't last as long."
He didn't think he'd done enough damage so he went on to describe a decanter as "total crap." and in so doing wipe £500 million of the company value in one day.
Wow, a man who can spend £500 mill in a day has to be in the running hey Gina?
TOP MAN?
July 2001- Top Man's Band Director David Shepherd being interviewed by trade magazine Menswear.
Journalist: "Can you clarify who your customers are?"
Shepherd: "Hooligans or whatever."
Again not content with his first comments he went on to add: "Very few of our customers have to wear suits to work. They'll be for his first interview or first court case."
He may well be right, but Gina plebs do not like being called plebs, so maybe you can work on him a little? Get him to try "Socially Curtailed"? "Morally Ambiguous"? "Scum"? Something less emotive.
EMI - Excellent Marital Interest
March 2003 - EMI boss Alain Levy described in an interview how they had cut the number of Finnish artists on their label because there weren't that many people in the country "who could sing".
At that time EMI had a 20% market share in Finnish music sales, his comments were not well received.
Gina he's a real charmer, he can speak to a whole nation with just three words, maybe he can use three other little words on you?
THE SIN OF BODEN
May 2003 - During an interview with the Guardian catalogue retail fashion businessman Johnnie Boden said the following.
Boden: "I am anti-welfare state, anti-tax and how it's spent." "I gave £2m to the government last year and I look at the litter, vomit and dog shit on the streets of Hammersmith and see no benefits. I have to pay for private health care and education for my family."
He seems right for you Gina, annual donations to the nation, plain speaker and a family man already. He's practically house trained, just a small matter of a divorce, but hey, you got your lawyers to dump your career how about getting them to dump his wife?
GREEN TO RED
March 2003 - Philip Green, high street retail heavyweight (literally) was unhappy with a comment in the Guardian about his business.
"I've never read a bigger load of b****cks in my life." "He (Paul Murphy, financial editor) can't read English. Mind you, he is a f***ing Irishman."
Oh, the invitation to the wedding practically writes itself: "Oi, you!!! Get your F*ckin' Arse round our gaff we're gettin' hitched (No Wogs, Asian or Irish)"
We wish you all the best in your quest Gina, and look forward to seeing the pictures in Hello, OK or on Mumsnet.
And in case sarcasm isn't your bag, then what about some good ol' fashioned, playground humour? Here are a few Anagrams of Gina Ford's name which we thought were fitting.
A FIR DONG - Utilising the ancient art of Nordic woodmen, we lovingly handcraft every one.
A FROG DIN - The noise of a thousand careers croaking?
A FRIG NOD - Involuntary neck spasm during solo session?
A FRIG DON - A professor of labiovaginal manipulation?
DA FRIG ON - Gettin' jiggy wid oneself in da (clitoral) hood?
AD FOR GIN - "Ex 'Baby Guru' Will Work For Drink"
GROIN FAD - What got most of us into the child rearing business in the first place
OR FADING - Or not, your career depends on the judicious use of writs
FIR GONAD - Utilising the ancient art of Nordic woodmen, we lovingly handcraft every other one.
IF DRAGON - Check for scorch marks on the headboard
INFO DRAG - A heavy online weight attached to your public persona
NADIR FOG - Things can only get better, once the pea souper has cleared
FOG DRAIN - A way to clear the pea souper?
FAGIN ROD - Spare the Fagin Rod and spoil the child - "you've gotta picka pocket or two". NO!
DIN OR FAG - Single mothers constant conundrum, do I deal with the tantrum or spark up another Bennie?
GO RID FAN - Gina's instructions to her lawyers?
OAF GRIND - Fill in your own caption!
DINGO FAR - Gina's outback advice to all
GAIN FORD - Ultimately the exact opposite of what is likely to happen
