Sunday, February 18, 2007
Goodbye, fairwell and adieu
This will by my last offical post to blogger as now it has gone over to the Google machine which threatens to eat the Internet whole. I have finally been forced to"upgrade" the account and to be honest there's nothing new that I can see. I have been really impressed, however, by the all singing all dancing VOX! My wife's been a beta tester for the past 6 months and I ust say it has all the function whistles and bells that the modern blogeratti need. File sharing, mobile phone uploads, digitial storage of files, hosting of video, you name it and the best bit is you can set who can see posts, from just you, to friends, family or friends and family and then just the whole wide world. Actually maybe that's what www stands for in every domain name, Whole Wide World.
So now pixels have really eaten my hard drive I have an all new blog go here http://thetruthnowincolour.vox.com/
Thanks and so long blogger it was fun whilst it lasted... Maybe you'll pop over take a look and who knows, join?
P.S. You can even import you entire blog from Blogger with a few clicks, it brings the pics and everything!
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Ouch
Today I had a big steaming bowl of chowder, salmon chowder, it was delicious. I had a beer called colloquially "Mac 'n' Jacks" and a Tequila which I called "'kin huge dude" all three were partaken at 6PM in a bar called brewsters which overlooked Pugit Sound and the awesome seafront. It's so lovely this time of year, the weather is a bit wet, overclouded and dull but visibility is good and you can see right across the inlet.
Oh yeah and 'kin ouch (more on this later).
Oh yeah and 'kin ouch (more on this later).
Hell is jet lag, is hell...
So I finally fall asleep at a respectable 1:00 AM to wake spontaneously at 5:30 AM, bink, wide awake. Asleep in a strange house on the couch disorientated, a little dehydrated from the vodkas I drank about 6 hours previously. It's dark, cold and raining. However my stomach has either been awake for some time before me or never went to sleep, not sure which but it's still on London time and it thinks it's Lunchtime and I have the worst craving ever for a Cheeseburger, fries and a shake. I kid you not was eve investigating taxis on the 'net, seeing if it was possible to get to a Maccy D's or Dennys (the restaurant not my hosts) downtown to slake my beef craving. Ultimately my Britishness took hold and I figured it would be bad manners to leave your hosts house at dumb-ass-o'clock, with no way to get back in and could possibly end up lost and alone and maybe even dead in a dumpster, which is a lot of trouble to put your hosts to.
So here I sit, the beef monkey on my back, drumming it's fingers on my skull and crying out "BEEF ME BRIT BOY", I guess I'll have to wait, coffee is brewing, Denny has now arisen and we are countdown to cattle cadaver chips. Go, go, go.
UPDATE: Jack-in-the-box make a super duper shake and an awesome Extreme Sausage. Milkshake came out of my nose when the attendent at the drive through asked me if I had the extreme sausage, guess jet lag, lack of sleep and my Britishness meant that you really had to be there.
So here I sit, the beef monkey on my back, drumming it's fingers on my skull and crying out "BEEF ME BRIT BOY", I guess I'll have to wait, coffee is brewing, Denny has now arisen and we are countdown to cattle cadaver chips. Go, go, go.
UPDATE: Jack-in-the-box make a super duper shake and an awesome Extreme Sausage. Milkshake came out of my nose when the attendent at the drive through asked me if I had the extreme sausage, guess jet lag, lack of sleep and my Britishness meant that you really had to be there.
Monday, February 12, 2007
The Only Living Englishman in the US of A
So, I'm back in the US, I'm not bragging I'm just reporting my geographical location. I love to travel but I hate travelling. Huh? Let me explain. To travel is fun, all those different places and people, but a destination is somewhere you want to be, an airport departure lounge is not where you want to be it's where you have to be to get to where you want to be. Huh? Yeah, ok, I know... But travelling lets people who don't normally rub up against each other to come into contact and sometimes the results are not pretty. People are tired, irritable, afraid, anxious, outside their comfort zones, and more than likely outside their time zones and this time it's me. All of those factors can cause odd behaviour, I was actually slapped round the face 35000 feet over the Atlantic by a Christian charity worker, talk about turn the other cheek. And it wasn't even her that I insulted, I merely asked the hostess about her name badge and whether the person typing it out fell asleep on the key board, her name was Asdfueiodj Fasdfjsfooriuoe or something. She laughed (we'd had previous banter) but apparently that is beyond the pale in the Christian Charity field of operation, she even made me apologise.So today, let's see my tally of offence is:
1) Having the absolute temerity, nay cheek, to pack my suitcase so it was 14lbs over the excess baggage limit. OK, so they have a limit, fine but I could have split the luggage into two bags and that would have been fine. Yes, I will let you think about that... 1 Bag at 64 lbs $50 fine, 2 bags at 32 lbs each, (both mine) "on your way sir." I perhaps overstepped the bounds of common decency when I pointed to a large overweight lady and said, is she getting fined $50 for having a fatter arse than me? But as I said I'm out of my time zone. But I needn't have worried my "heavy accent" is baffling to the colonials (more on this later), which is why he probably didn't react.
2) Forgetting about the new "liquid laws" which means that my small bottle of unopened wine and my hand cream were stolen from me by the security. Bloody cheek, I worked hard to "liberate" both of those items, one from the BA stewardess and one from the hotel bathroom. Get your own. What made it worse was the 12 year old security "woman" giving me a telling off for having them and she kept referring to no fluids above "XX ounces". I pulled together what authority I could muster with no jacket on, holding up my beltless trousers and wearing no shoes and retorted "We use the metric system where I live, I have no idea what your limit means". She came back with "Australian? That's 100 Millilitres". So that was about the low point, not only content with taking my wine, handcream and dignity they stripped my of my nationality. I very nearly pulled out the discrimination card but figured that would just keep me from getting breakfast and possibly the flight as I had to explain to some supervisor in an office somewhere what the hell I was on about.
To add insult to insult I then tried to order breakfast and asked if the bagels had smoked salmon in, to be met with a blank stare, again I tried "Smoked Salmon in your bagels" again with the stare. The food server then turned to his colleague and said, "Is this guy speaking English?".
G'day cobbers.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Yummy Yummy Yum Yums
Wanna try some of my ass? Yuk, yuk, yuk it says ass on the packet. Ok, nothing to see here, just a man playing with his inner child. Aologies for the picture not showing before apparently when you email in your post the pics don't come with it. Ass (mini cables)
Friday, February 02, 2007
Psst... A bit o' gossip
Did you know the writer of Doctor Who Russell T. Davis shortened his middle name because he hates people saying he copied Winnie The Pooh...
It's true I tell you, it is, it is.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Debt Management
I received a letter yesterday, from a loan company who I had taken out a loan with. I won't mention their name, we'll call them Northern Rock.
We regret to inform you that administration difficulties have resulted in us being unable to collect the payment of £0.00 by direct debit
It would appear that this is the final payment due on your account. In view of this would you please send us a payment of £0.00. When making your payment please quote your full account number on the top right hand corner of your cheque or postal order.
I trust this is satisfactory and apologise for any inconvenience caused.
Yours
Company Lackey...
So I called them to tell them that I was unable to make the payment. Which meant I had to talk to someone in another dept. who had to go and get authorisation from a colleague who had to call me back, twice. Surely for the sake of all that is good an holy in the world the programmer who scripted the auto letter printing software should have put in a sub routine which checks for letter going out for £0.00 or less and flagged it as a waste of money?
The way things are running at the mo' I fully expect to be in court trying to explain to a judge why I never made payment for the said amount, and when I will be making payment. I'll probably go down for a 9 stretch, banged up with some nonce called Trevor who collects magazines on interior decorating and model trams. I ain't done nuffin' wrong you slags, come on I'll shiv yah!!!!!!!!!!! Anyone got any Veras and salmon?*
*Cockney Rhyming slang, a ne'er-do-wells street patois.
Veras= Vera Lynns, Skins.
Skins = Street slang for cigarette rolling papers.
Salmon = Salmon and trout, Snout.
Snout = Generic jail slang for tobacco or any tobacco products.
This public information broadcast was bought to you by the letter F and the number 1
Friday, January 26, 2007
Wadcast PT2
Forgot to mention, www.thewadcast.com is the place to go for all things Wadcast.
Lack of blogging at the mo is due to the Wadcast taking up my time, oh that and planning world domination, the overthrow of the state and the initiation of a truly democratic dictatorship. So forgive my tardy attitude to the blog...
